Woman Saved by Blow Up Doll
Sex toy acts as a floatation device to drowing woman
PICKLE TOWN, MI - When Rita Millingham ended a seven year relationship with Rich Sadler a month ago, she cited reasons typical of most women who break up with their boyfriends. There was no chemistry in their love life. They often argued about in-laws and money. She wanted kids, he was happy with a dog. But the straw that broke the camel’s back was when Rita found Rich’s stash of porn beneath the floorboards under the dinner table. “Right under where I fed him dinner, a dinner, I might add, that I slaved over and served every night promptly at seven, he had hidden magazines full of naked women with bigger boobs than me,” recounts Rita.
Wig Thief Escapes by a Hair: Later Netted
After escaping capture by a hair last week, the wig thief who has terrorized downtown Boston has finally been netted. The arrest was made after the suspect was spotted sweeping up hair clippings from a local barbershop. Samuel Kevin Browning was apprehended on charges of hair theft, destruction of personal property, and fleeing and eluding a police officer. If convicted of these violations, Browning could face up to five years in a federal penitentiary and many more years of psychological counseling to cope with his inevitable public ridicule.
“I’m so relieved that menace is off the streets,” said 87-year-old Claire Thompson, clutching desperately at her curly brown locks. “My girlfriends and I were scared to go out at night.”
Serial Killer Upset at Dumb Nickname
Bud Richards longs for the days when he was called Buddy or the Buddster by the fellows in the Parish. But now the construction worker turned serial killer is only known as The Manicure Murderer, because before brutally slaying and dismembering his victims, he clips their nails to send to family members. The nickname, given to him by Los Angeles law enforcement, hurt Richards’s reputation so badly amongst the local LA serial killing community that he was finally forced to pack his bags and move to the English town of Purley.
The Grapefruit met up with the scintillating psychopath over tea and biscuits after he arrived Saturday morning.
“I was hoping to be named something clever like “The LA Clipper” or perhaps even the “Big Clipper” but instead I’m known in the annuls of American history as ‘The Manicure Murderer?’ How gay is that?” said the 42 year old killer as he brushed crumbs from his beard and sipped from a cup of Earl Grey tea.
